Thursday, January 8, 2015
Monday, April 1, 2013
The Beauty; Cooks
The beauty,
The lovely looks,
No one understand how it looks,
When you take off your glass,
Magnification,
Cooks,
Heat and simmer,
Like a well prepared dinner,
Course by course,
But of course,
Sweet like a pomegranate,
I have to have it,
As long as you take the time,
Put in the work,
And everything will be better than fine,
The juices on my fingers,
Like mike Tyson in a amateur fight,
A ringer,
I was knocked out,
Tko 1st round bout,
A silence with nails digging,
If you are to speak like that, im listening,
Singing,
Ears ringing with what you have to say,
A passion that sprays,
All that needs to be said o my I say,
To listen, to live, to love another day.
Divine Endings; confessions
To use again would to be my divine end,
Loosing control,
Amping my life that to me is so droll,
Where does it begin, and where does it end,
In this life,
All I ask for is friend,
A companion,
Someone that would never abandon,
The real thing in this world,
That we all search for but never have,
To hold my hand,
To Take a STAND.
The knife cuts so deep,
It is “o my goodness….” So sweet,
The blood,
The trickle,
The smell,
The tickle,
The warmth,
The control,
Even though I remove a part of me, some how, now I feel whole,
The pain,
The pleasure,
The cold steel,
Releasing the warmth,
Changing just like the weather,
The blade screams hot white cold pain,
Yet I stay quiet,
In my mind I stay sane,
Plain jane,
Me o my,
Day in day out,
How do I get by,
What do I do?
How do I win.
Misunderstood for my torture,
Abused for my sin,
Confused by my feelings,
Like im sitting on ceilings,
Upside down is right side up,
WTF,
Im stuck.
Working for more,
Yet what is the score?
Trying to get it out,
Yet what is it all for?
Dreams to Be Had.
I thought of you today, even though I wasn’t supposed,
It brought a smile to my face,
And I needed it,
That was cool,
But at night when I think of you, all I do is look for distractions,
Because on the outside im calm,
But its on the inside where I have all my reactions,
Heart palpitations,
Licking my lips,
Salivations,
Thinking of your lips, hips and the way that you taste,
The way that you smell,
The way that you giggle,
The way that you yell,
I love your nails,
When they attack my back like a hot tin roof assaulted by hail,
It’ll never fail,
I melt,
Your skins warmth, like a pelt,
Trying to figure out an answer,
Like a dancer with a new routine,
A challenge to be worth while,
To obtain a dream,
Meet a goal,
To find the other half to a whole.
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Thank You.
Dear God,
I start of this letter by acknowledging the reality that I have had a disregard for life. I gave it up, I rejected it, and you saved me. That must have a significance and a true meaning. Right? You said no, it was not my time, and were gracious enough to allowed me the gift of life, and kept me alive when I did not want it, there must be a reason….., no I know there is a reason. I thank you.
I thank you for the pain that has been in my life. The bumps the bruises, the cute the scrapes, the concussions, the inevitable repercussions, the pain, the anguish and the torment I have faced. Yes I have scars inside and out, yet I find them beautiful for I have healed and I have become stronger where once I was weak. They are reminders that I have every day of my life. The ones most people think are the worst and that I am judged for, I ignore, for to me they are personal and represent so much more than anyone could understand. For what is a scar but a fortified area, where I was once weak I am stronger and I can help others as well, I did not recognize that at the time, but now I do. For that knowledge and understanding I thank you. For all that has happened I recognize how I am a better man now and I thank you.
I thank you for all of the gifts and lessons that you have put in my path, good or bad I have learned. You educated me when I chose ignorance and I thank you. You have blessed me with more chances then I can count. I don’t know why, but I will earn it and deserve it. For that I thank you.
I don’t know what is in store for me, but I have faith. I know there is not a path blazed for me but I will blaze that trail. For nothing deserved it is not given, it is earned, and earn I shall. I will work hard, I will strive to do more than survive. I will be more. I will not rest on my laurels and make excuses, I will break down doors and I will be more.
For giving me my drive and showing me a light I thank you.
I thank you for the people in my life, friends, family, best friends, enemies, haters, ect. Yes, everyone. Whether good or bad I have learned from them and been taught so many life lessons that I don’t know how to express. I have had some of the best people in my life that I could ever ask for. Amazing, Intelligent, Strong, Fascinating, Intense, Significant, Honest, and true people. I see that now, and that is why to a select few that are in my life I ask them to join my circle, I love and respect them, all I ask is that they accept me, and see me for ME, and all that I be, good and bad. I know I’m not perfect, yet I also know that I am unique with capabilities that if truly recognized, reflects greatness, they have taught me that. I thank you for allowing me to be a part of their lives. For everyone I have met and will meet I THANK YOU.
I thank you for taking me on so many journeys in life. My life has never gone from point A to B, it more went from A to X to D to Z to F to C to B, but I enjoyed the journey and the experiences, because I always wound up right where I needed to be. I don’t know where my life is headed now, and I don’t know where I am going, but I know where I want to end up. I am scared at the present moment, and I am full of confusion, I have lost people on this journey, I have met some others that are greater, and inspire. I always believe there is a plan, but I am nervous, frustrated, and confused, yet I will leave it all behind and starting NOW I will strive to be stronger, to have more faith, and never to loose either again, and continue willingly on this journey, and not just to passively continue, but with fortitude, knowledge, strength, and hopefully peace of mind. I know when I am weak you will be there at my side. For when I am at my worst God, you are at your best, and you love me, nurture me, and guide me, for everything you do I thank you.
Thank you for all this and so much more.
With all that I have, body, mind, and soul, in your name I pray.
Amen.
A.
Monday, December 12, 2011
Consider That.....
I need to get healthy,
I need to do me,
I need to do more,
I feel like ive been reborn,
I need to open my eyes so that I can see,
I need to focus and say forget the hocus pocus,
I need to get real,
I need to be me,
You feel me?
But what is that, that you really see?
Can you understand me?
See me for me?
I may be different,
But u act like im having fun,
Its not fun to always be fighting to be understood,
Always being told I cant, and I never could,
Could I excel?
Can I rebel?
Can I do more,
You bet I can and I will,
So pull your shades tight and lock you doors,
Im going to show you more than you could have imagined,
Don’t be scared because your old fashioned,
Embrace the new,
Screw the normal view,
See me for me, and all that I be,
Im a glutton I want more,
More of life, and more for more,
I may broken, but im not poor,
Im rich with ideas,
Forget that im full of fears,
CONFRONTATION,
Deliberation, will lead to success,
I can deal with the stress, I always have and always will,
I must be empty cause I haven’t had my fill, yet,
I can take more,
You wanna battle me, Ill beat you with double,
No, triple your score,
I don’t do it for fame, or to be a part of an allure,
I do it because its part of me,
Its all I can be,
Better than you,
Don’t be mad, don’t be jealous,
I bowed down at one point,
You became overzealous,
Contemplate this,
If you knew what I been through,
Understood who I be,
You wouldn’t ever question my potential nor my ability,
I may not be the master,
But I will one day,
When you stuck in your 9 to 5 for life, until your old and grey,
Ill still be rebuilding,
I still be fresh and new,
And you thought because I had ADHD I had nothing on you,
I just got my start late,
But ill finish this race,
You may have sprinted early,
But I have a consistent building on my pace,
So look up,
And say it to my face,
Listen to me,
And look in the mirror,
Dude you’re a waste.
Im a sinner turned into a winner,
You’re a liar and bore,
I may not be perfect,
But I will succeed with no regrets.
Consider that……..
I need to do me,
I need to do more,
I feel like ive been reborn,
I need to open my eyes so that I can see,
I need to focus and say forget the hocus pocus,
I need to get real,
I need to be me,
You feel me?
But what is that, that you really see?
Can you understand me?
See me for me?
I may be different,
But u act like im having fun,
Its not fun to always be fighting to be understood,
Always being told I cant, and I never could,
Could I excel?
Can I rebel?
Can I do more,
You bet I can and I will,
So pull your shades tight and lock you doors,
Im going to show you more than you could have imagined,
Don’t be scared because your old fashioned,
Embrace the new,
Screw the normal view,
See me for me, and all that I be,
Im a glutton I want more,
More of life, and more for more,
I may broken, but im not poor,
Im rich with ideas,
Forget that im full of fears,
CONFRONTATION,
Deliberation, will lead to success,
I can deal with the stress, I always have and always will,
I must be empty cause I haven’t had my fill, yet,
I can take more,
You wanna battle me, Ill beat you with double,
No, triple your score,
I don’t do it for fame, or to be a part of an allure,
I do it because its part of me,
Its all I can be,
Better than you,
Don’t be mad, don’t be jealous,
I bowed down at one point,
You became overzealous,
Contemplate this,
If you knew what I been through,
Understood who I be,
You wouldn’t ever question my potential nor my ability,
I may not be the master,
But I will one day,
When you stuck in your 9 to 5 for life, until your old and grey,
Ill still be rebuilding,
I still be fresh and new,
And you thought because I had ADHD I had nothing on you,
I just got my start late,
But ill finish this race,
You may have sprinted early,
But I have a consistent building on my pace,
So look up,
And say it to my face,
Listen to me,
And look in the mirror,
Dude you’re a waste.
Im a sinner turned into a winner,
You’re a liar and bore,
I may not be perfect,
But I will succeed with no regrets.
Consider that……..
not a christmas Carroll.....
Yeah so?
I met her off a website, and it was magical,
It was something definite it was not sporadical,
And that night, we were the only two in the world,
I saw fireworks that lit up the night sky, oh that girl,
Brighter than neon lights, no im not gonna lie,
We had a whirlwind romance,
It left me in a trance,
Like a sexy tango, a sexy as dance,
She had curves, and words, and a mind ive never seen before,
I was the underdog,
So how did I score?
How did I win, or I thought I did at least,
But I treated it with no respect,
Like a thing,
She was the wind beneath my wing,
For the time that it lasted,
I did her wrong,
And now im just blasted,
I lost, I loved,
I wish it could have lasted,
I was classless, and I didn’t learn,
Now im stuck here all alone and all I can do is let it burn,
She evoked something different,
I don’t know how she did it,
I wish we could kick,
But that’s not in the cards now,
And how could I be dumb that you ask?
Once I won, how did I drop to the bottom of the class?
I didn’t do right,
I didn’t Fight,
I didn’t see the light,
I cant go back to that, I cant be bad like that,
Head my words, there not just a story,
I got left for the better pick, isn’t that sick,
I thought I had it all, and it dropped like a ball,
It bounced away from me,
Disconnect,
Its my fault, I didn’t show how I really felt,
I lacked respect,
But that’s my bad, all I did,
I hid from what I felt,
But when I would ever see her, maybe she didn’t know,
I would melt,
With all that I felt,
She never saw,
Even though everyone else did,
She needed more,
Something I couldn’t do, not never, just not at this time,
But it was her time to shine, and she did like dia (mond)
And in the rough,
I know she’s tough,
I know she’s real, the complete deal,
I messed up, and now that im stuck, I don’t know what to do, I don’t want anything, not anymore, I just want more in my life, im trying to push for more, but the heart is a muscle and now its torn and sore. Its my life that needs focus, im scattered and battered, my mental is not sound, so its time to solidify it, and put my feet on the ground, and walk, no run up that hill, time to do it big, time to do what I feel. That’s WIN.
My life’s been a stress,
I’m blessed for that girl,
But she’s gone and I need to give my love life a rest,
It hurts to breath, my complete chest.
So now to use my mind,
So don’t count me out,
Keep me in mind,
Im the kind, that rises up,
Like a phoenix from the ashes,
One day ill shine so bright you’ll need a new pair of Oakley glasses,
And ill make all my dreams come true,
Except when it comes to her,
I loved, I fussed, I lost all of her trust,
Shes gone for good? How is that good?
To loose her completely, I thought that it would defeat me,
But I treated her like a thing,
Now the best thing ever is gone,
On another road, this is my song.
I will win no matter what, I will be better than the best,
I will work for more,
I will work to be blessed,
I will commit to what I do,
Even though its done differently,
I will be great,
And I will never feel hate,
I will succeed,
I may bleed,
But I will give my all,
Write that down,
Remember this date.
Maybe it was fate.
Now its to late.
(Alas I will never forget her and our first date.)
I met her off a website, and it was magical,
It was something definite it was not sporadical,
And that night, we were the only two in the world,
I saw fireworks that lit up the night sky, oh that girl,
Brighter than neon lights, no im not gonna lie,
We had a whirlwind romance,
It left me in a trance,
Like a sexy tango, a sexy as dance,
She had curves, and words, and a mind ive never seen before,
I was the underdog,
So how did I score?
How did I win, or I thought I did at least,
But I treated it with no respect,
Like a thing,
She was the wind beneath my wing,
For the time that it lasted,
I did her wrong,
And now im just blasted,
I lost, I loved,
I wish it could have lasted,
I was classless, and I didn’t learn,
Now im stuck here all alone and all I can do is let it burn,
She evoked something different,
I don’t know how she did it,
I wish we could kick,
But that’s not in the cards now,
And how could I be dumb that you ask?
Once I won, how did I drop to the bottom of the class?
I didn’t do right,
I didn’t Fight,
I didn’t see the light,
I cant go back to that, I cant be bad like that,
Head my words, there not just a story,
I got left for the better pick, isn’t that sick,
I thought I had it all, and it dropped like a ball,
It bounced away from me,
Disconnect,
Its my fault, I didn’t show how I really felt,
I lacked respect,
But that’s my bad, all I did,
I hid from what I felt,
But when I would ever see her, maybe she didn’t know,
I would melt,
With all that I felt,
She never saw,
Even though everyone else did,
She needed more,
Something I couldn’t do, not never, just not at this time,
But it was her time to shine, and she did like dia (mond)
And in the rough,
I know she’s tough,
I know she’s real, the complete deal,
I messed up, and now that im stuck, I don’t know what to do, I don’t want anything, not anymore, I just want more in my life, im trying to push for more, but the heart is a muscle and now its torn and sore. Its my life that needs focus, im scattered and battered, my mental is not sound, so its time to solidify it, and put my feet on the ground, and walk, no run up that hill, time to do it big, time to do what I feel. That’s WIN.
My life’s been a stress,
I’m blessed for that girl,
But she’s gone and I need to give my love life a rest,
It hurts to breath, my complete chest.
So now to use my mind,
So don’t count me out,
Keep me in mind,
Im the kind, that rises up,
Like a phoenix from the ashes,
One day ill shine so bright you’ll need a new pair of Oakley glasses,
And ill make all my dreams come true,
Except when it comes to her,
I loved, I fussed, I lost all of her trust,
Shes gone for good? How is that good?
To loose her completely, I thought that it would defeat me,
But I treated her like a thing,
Now the best thing ever is gone,
On another road, this is my song.
I will win no matter what, I will be better than the best,
I will work for more,
I will work to be blessed,
I will commit to what I do,
Even though its done differently,
I will be great,
And I will never feel hate,
I will succeed,
I may bleed,
But I will give my all,
Write that down,
Remember this date.
Maybe it was fate.
Now its to late.
(Alas I will never forget her and our first date.)
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
i.T.Y.
iTY
i thank you,
i found something special in you, and all that you are,
i love how when i see u, i smile and i see us going O so far,
with a reality in you, i don’t know what to do,
you are pure perfection, deserving of all the worlds affection,
just the thought of you points me in the right direction,
you astound and profound, i don’t know what to do when ur not around, i hope you’re aware at the love i have for you, and how much i care, i dare u to find another, you cant for you are my wife, my life, together we are non other, i think of your beauty, u are my muse my inspiration, you are my cutie, now and forever i love thee, and you make me as light as a feather, and for that i thank you.....
i thank you,
i found something special in you, and all that you are,
i love how when i see u, i smile and i see us going O so far,
with a reality in you, i don’t know what to do,
you are pure perfection, deserving of all the worlds affection,
just the thought of you points me in the right direction,
you astound and profound, i don’t know what to do when ur not around, i hope you’re aware at the love i have for you, and how much i care, i dare u to find another, you cant for you are my wife, my life, together we are non other, i think of your beauty, u are my muse my inspiration, you are my cutie, now and forever i love thee, and you make me as light as a feather, and for that i thank you.....
NOT 4 ME....
Maybe love is not for me,
At this time perhaps its not my goal,
I know im meant for more,
Yet I feel incomplete and all I want to do is be whole,
I feel like something’s missing,
All I want is to feel true kissing,
Again and Again,
I put myself out there and all I have is friends,
That’s not my fault,
Yet its not what I thought,
What do I do,
When all I want is you,
YOU, to see me,
For all that I be,
YOU, to understand,
YOU, to hold my hand,
See my intricacies,
And care for me (perhaps love) for all that I can be,
I’m not much now,
But I’ve seen the light,
And at night, I look to the stars, and the heavens and ask that I do right,
Do right by YOU,
Yet here on earth no one understands,
Not even a few,
I’m LONE, A-LONE,
One of a kind, never possibly cloned,
So I’m not what your used to,
I’m nothing like what you knew,
Nothing that you’ve known,
I’m just questioning life,
Trying to figure out my goals,
Figure out my fate,
Life is long, but I have the feeling it may be too late,
What do I do?
Who do I ask,
I’ve gone to school, learned your ways, gotten A’s in your class,
Now its time for me to school you,
I tried to learn, you tried to show me what to do,
Now its time for me to come up,
Time to find my way.
What do I do? How do I do it? How do I get you to understand?
What do I say?
All I know is there is no written path for me,
Time to forge a way.
Wanna.B
Sometimes u ever want to just disappear?
Fuck everything you hear,
it hurts ur ears,
it makes u want to scream,
makes you want to shed a tear,
even when u feel close to me,
im sorry im no where near,
im full of fear, full of hate,
full of love,
trying to find my fate,
close the front door and open the gate,
Life… it’s a gift I don’t know what to make, of it,
I forget, what to do?
Do right by who? Me or You?
What about us? I hate to fight, I hate to fuss,
But yet I must,
You think I don’t know,
I know better than you?
You see these marks, They’re emotions in actuality,
They bled through,
What about yours? Where are you?
Fuck everything you hear,
it hurts ur ears,
it makes u want to scream,
makes you want to shed a tear,
even when u feel close to me,
im sorry im no where near,
im full of fear, full of hate,
full of love,
trying to find my fate,
close the front door and open the gate,
Life… it’s a gift I don’t know what to make, of it,
I forget, what to do?
Do right by who? Me or You?
What about us? I hate to fight, I hate to fuss,
But yet I must,
You think I don’t know,
I know better than you?
You see these marks, They’re emotions in actuality,
They bled through,
What about yours? Where are you?
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
iTY
iTY
i thank you,
i found something special in you, and all that you are,
i love how when i see u, i smile and i see us going O so far,
with a reality in you, i dont know what to do,
you are pure perfection, deserving of all the worlds affection,
just the thought of you points me in the right direction,
you astound and profound, i dont know what to do when ur not around, i hope youre aware at the love i haver for you, and how much i care, i dare u to find another, you cant for you are my wife, my life, together we are non other, i think of your beuty, u are my muse my inspiration, you are my cutie, now and forever i love thee, and yuou make me as light as a feather, and for that i thank you.....
i thank you,
i found something special in you, and all that you are,
i love how when i see u, i smile and i see us going O so far,
with a reality in you, i dont know what to do,
you are pure perfection, deserving of all the worlds affection,
just the thought of you points me in the right direction,
you astound and profound, i dont know what to do when ur not around, i hope youre aware at the love i haver for you, and how much i care, i dare u to find another, you cant for you are my wife, my life, together we are non other, i think of your beuty, u are my muse my inspiration, you are my cutie, now and forever i love thee, and yuou make me as light as a feather, and for that i thank you.....
Not For Me......
NOT FOR ME
Maybe love is not for me,
At this time perhaps its not my goal,
I know im meant for more,
Yet I feel incomplete and all I want to do is be whole,
I feel like somethings missing,
All I want is to feel true kissing,
Again and Again,
I put myself out there and all I have is friends,
That’s not my fault,
Yet its not what I thought,
What do I do,
When all I want is you,
YOU, to see me,
For all that I be,
YOU, to understand,
YOU, to hold my hand,
See my intricacies,
And care for me (perhaps love) for all that I can be,
Im not much now,
But ive seen the light,
And at night, I look to the stars, and the heavens and ask that I do right,
Do right by YOU,
Yet here on earth no one understands,
Not even a few,
Im LONE, A-LONE,
One of a kind, never possibly cloned,
So Im not what your used to,
Im nothing like what you knew,
Nothing that you’ve known,
Im just questioning life,
Trying to figure out my goals,
Figure out my fate,
Life is long, but I have the feeling it may be too late,
What do I do?
Who do I ask,
I’ve gone to school, learned your ways, gotten A’s in your class,
Now its time for me to school you,
I tried to learn, you tried to show me what to do,
Now its time for me to come up,
Time to find my way.
What do I do? How do I do it? How do I get you to understand?
What do I say?
All I know is there is no written path for me,
Time to forge a way.
Maybe love is not for me,
At this time perhaps its not my goal,
I know im meant for more,
Yet I feel incomplete and all I want to do is be whole,
I feel like somethings missing,
All I want is to feel true kissing,
Again and Again,
I put myself out there and all I have is friends,
That’s not my fault,
Yet its not what I thought,
What do I do,
When all I want is you,
YOU, to see me,
For all that I be,
YOU, to understand,
YOU, to hold my hand,
See my intricacies,
And care for me (perhaps love) for all that I can be,
Im not much now,
But ive seen the light,
And at night, I look to the stars, and the heavens and ask that I do right,
Do right by YOU,
Yet here on earth no one understands,
Not even a few,
Im LONE, A-LONE,
One of a kind, never possibly cloned,
So Im not what your used to,
Im nothing like what you knew,
Nothing that you’ve known,
Im just questioning life,
Trying to figure out my goals,
Figure out my fate,
Life is long, but I have the feeling it may be too late,
What do I do?
Who do I ask,
I’ve gone to school, learned your ways, gotten A’s in your class,
Now its time for me to school you,
I tried to learn, you tried to show me what to do,
Now its time for me to come up,
Time to find my way.
What do I do? How do I do it? How do I get you to understand?
What do I say?
All I know is there is no written path for me,
Time to forge a way.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Sad & Happy (Pt. 2)
Sad and Happy Too2
Sad and Happy: My Life to TOO 2
Throughout my life I life I have been SAD and HAPPY,
Beaten and Praised,
Raped and hated,
Because of being blazed I went through a majority of my life glazed,
I did this in order to compensate for the memories I can not face,
My mind is blank tape that has been erased,
I had to,
Or I did so at least subconsciously,
For let me ask you how I could be a real man and feel disgrace,
People claim they see it in my face,
So I left my past behind without a trace,
I have been shot at,
Abused,
Content and confused,
Manic and panicked,
Entranced and romanced,
Slashed, bashed and trashed on,
Complimented and humiliated,
Influenced and raised with out a biological family,
A truth I have grown to live with daily,
So I grew up differently,
Simply,
Humbly,
So when I met others just like me,
We became one another’s family,
What fueled me was the thought that do no one unique grew up classically,
So since day one I started out fighting for what I believed,
but I got tired of my dreams,
for the past 19years I’ve won or been defeated,
That’s still a long bout with associated by insomnia,
For me it’s brought on a permanent paranoia,
Most look at me like I am a schizophrenic loner,
Raised by music books and television,
I have always lived alone,
Forced to make my decisions most of my life is do or die,
You judge my life and say you apologize,
Young females say they cry,
You would see 90% Happiness and only 10% torture,
Yet because I express myself you see me as a lyrical whore,
And
If it was that bad I would take my only outlet of homicidal tendencies times four,
And then I would turn them against me,
Please trust I’ve had suicidal dreams,
Desires and wishes,
Drastic attempts denied,
For I was born to survive,
Destined to influence life,
For I was inspired by Eminem,
And 50 cent who’s words in my psyche have made a dent,
There the typical persona and stigmatic “personality” you would see in me,
But before you conclude this
What about MLK,
Helen Keller,
As well as Gandhi,
Chuck close,
Van Gough, and his boy Pablo Picasso,
Mozart puts me to sleep,
He was my only nanny,
In the future I will reshape the game,
Beethoven will be my main inspiration and the hook that earns you the much deserved first Grammy,
So don’t look at me as uneducated and grimey,
Just because I wear baggy pants,
Try to use your mind to see past that,
So that you can see me,
No not the difference,
Most live their life by instilling strict boundaries,
What you consider “abnormalities” is just me giving you the respect of being unique,
I have just grown up differently,
And we doesn’t mean nothing,
So open you mind,
And take the hate out of your eyes see past the lies,
You’ll see me no one has yet,
I don’t mind the fact I am all alone,
I close my eyes,
This takes me to “my place”
So while in solitude I rome my dome all alone,
Like normal.
Sad and Happy: My Life to TOO 2
Throughout my life I life I have been SAD and HAPPY,
Beaten and Praised,
Raped and hated,
Because of being blazed I went through a majority of my life glazed,
I did this in order to compensate for the memories I can not face,
My mind is blank tape that has been erased,
I had to,
Or I did so at least subconsciously,
For let me ask you how I could be a real man and feel disgrace,
People claim they see it in my face,
So I left my past behind without a trace,
I have been shot at,
Abused,
Content and confused,
Manic and panicked,
Entranced and romanced,
Slashed, bashed and trashed on,
Complimented and humiliated,
Influenced and raised with out a biological family,
A truth I have grown to live with daily,
So I grew up differently,
Simply,
Humbly,
So when I met others just like me,
We became one another’s family,
What fueled me was the thought that do no one unique grew up classically,
So since day one I started out fighting for what I believed,
but I got tired of my dreams,
for the past 19years I’ve won or been defeated,
That’s still a long bout with associated by insomnia,
For me it’s brought on a permanent paranoia,
Most look at me like I am a schizophrenic loner,
Raised by music books and television,
I have always lived alone,
Forced to make my decisions most of my life is do or die,
You judge my life and say you apologize,
Young females say they cry,
You would see 90% Happiness and only 10% torture,
Yet because I express myself you see me as a lyrical whore,
And
If it was that bad I would take my only outlet of homicidal tendencies times four,
And then I would turn them against me,
Please trust I’ve had suicidal dreams,
Desires and wishes,
Drastic attempts denied,
For I was born to survive,
Destined to influence life,
For I was inspired by Eminem,
And 50 cent who’s words in my psyche have made a dent,
There the typical persona and stigmatic “personality” you would see in me,
But before you conclude this
What about MLK,
Helen Keller,
As well as Gandhi,
Chuck close,
Van Gough, and his boy Pablo Picasso,
Mozart puts me to sleep,
He was my only nanny,
In the future I will reshape the game,
Beethoven will be my main inspiration and the hook that earns you the much deserved first Grammy,
So don’t look at me as uneducated and grimey,
Just because I wear baggy pants,
Try to use your mind to see past that,
So that you can see me,
No not the difference,
Most live their life by instilling strict boundaries,
What you consider “abnormalities” is just me giving you the respect of being unique,
I have just grown up differently,
And we doesn’t mean nothing,
So open you mind,
And take the hate out of your eyes see past the lies,
You’ll see me no one has yet,
I don’t mind the fact I am all alone,
I close my eyes,
This takes me to “my place”
So while in solitude I rome my dome all alone,
Like normal.
Lovingly UnSpoken (1)
Lovingly: Unspoken (1)
Lovingly: Unspoken I look at you silently, You look at me enticingly, I feel the need to look away, It is your eyes, They are visually mesmerizing me, Tempting, Tantalizing me, Your demeanor is that of a sinning innocence, There is a difference in you that I see, Regardless of your prior situations you need to be with me, Your current situation makes no difference to me, You and me need to see what the deal is between you and me, With a shape that is enticing and so exciting, Yet it is your demeanor and mentality that truly has gotten to me, Frightening me, Exciting me, Captivating my interest instantly and intensely, More that when the screams and yells bring about the appearance of Gyika, This whole situation is more shocking to me than when a nun kisses and tells society, You definitely seem to be an angel that came into my life ironically, True, But that fact non the less is an undeniability, Now weather or not my words and feelings are understood for their true meaning and intensity, I will put it to you simply, If I ever dispense the non sense and I build up the confidence to share with you not stare at you, And if I could honestly present you with the proposition of being my boo, And if my words thoughts and feelings are presented for you to see, Read, Or hear, Please know they are true, And if you have any questions, Look in my eyes as you did on our first encounter, And you will see that I can’t help but think about you, And that is forthright and honest, Todo y Siempre is true.
Lovingly: Unspoken I look at you silently, You look at me enticingly, I feel the need to look away, It is your eyes, They are visually mesmerizing me, Tempting, Tantalizing me, Your demeanor is that of a sinning innocence, There is a difference in you that I see, Regardless of your prior situations you need to be with me, Your current situation makes no difference to me, You and me need to see what the deal is between you and me, With a shape that is enticing and so exciting, Yet it is your demeanor and mentality that truly has gotten to me, Frightening me, Exciting me, Captivating my interest instantly and intensely, More that when the screams and yells bring about the appearance of Gyika, This whole situation is more shocking to me than when a nun kisses and tells society, You definitely seem to be an angel that came into my life ironically, True, But that fact non the less is an undeniability, Now weather or not my words and feelings are understood for their true meaning and intensity, I will put it to you simply, If I ever dispense the non sense and I build up the confidence to share with you not stare at you, And if I could honestly present you with the proposition of being my boo, And if my words thoughts and feelings are presented for you to see, Read, Or hear, Please know they are true, And if you have any questions, Look in my eyes as you did on our first encounter, And you will see that I can’t help but think about you, And that is forthright and honest, Todo y Siempre is true.
I Did 2 Day?
I DId 2 Day
I did 2day I slit my wrist today, I used a blade, it tore my skin, the sweetest sin, you have no Idea what ive done, or where ive been, is there really a need for me to say more?, I know I did it to become free, to be released from all the pain I felt so frequently, that’s the truth, believe me, Ive seen my future and its undesireable to me, I apologize ive asked for help and then it came down to this, I am sorry...
I did 2day I slit my wrist today, I used a blade, it tore my skin, the sweetest sin, you have no Idea what ive done, or where ive been, is there really a need for me to say more?, I know I did it to become free, to be released from all the pain I felt so frequently, that’s the truth, believe me, Ive seen my future and its undesireable to me, I apologize ive asked for help and then it came down to this, I am sorry...
Monday, September 20, 2010
Sad and Happy Too 2
"Sad and Happy Too2
Sad and Happy: My Life to TOO 2"
Throughout my life I life I have been SAD and HAPPY,
Beaten and Praised,
Raped and hated,
Because of being blazed I went through a majority of my life glazed,
I did this in order to compensate for the memories I can not face,
My mind is blank tape that has been erased,
I had to,
Or I did so at least subconsciously,
For let me ask you how I could be a real man and feel disgrace,
People claim they see it in my face,
So I left my past behind without a trace,
I have been shot at,
Abused,
Content and confused,
Manic and panicked,
Entranced and romanced,
Slashed, bashed and trashed on,
Complimented and humiliated,
Influenced and raised with out a biological family,
A truth I have grown to live with daily,
So I grew up differently,
Simply,
Humbly,
So when I met others just like me,
We became one another’s family,
What fueled me was the thought that do no one unique grew up classically,
So since day one I started out fighting for what I believed,
but I got tired of my dreams,
for the past 19years I’ve won or been defeated,
That’s still a long bout with associated by insomnia,
For me it’s brought on a permanent paranoia,
Most look at me like I am a schizophrenic loner,
Raised by music books and television,
I have always lived alone,
Forced to make my decisions most of my life is do or die,
You judge my life and say you apologize,
Young females say they cry,
You would see 90% Happiness and only 10% torture,
Yet because I express myself you see me as a lyrical whore,
And
If it was that bad I would take my only outlet of homicidal tendencies times four,
And then I would turn them against me,
Please trust I’ve had suicidal dreams,
Desires and wishes,
Drastic attempts denied,
For I was born to survive,
Destined to influence life,
For I was inspired by Eminem,
And 50 cent who’s words in my psyche have made a dent,
There the typical persona and stigmatic “personality” you would see in me,
But before you conclude this
What about MLK,
Helen Keller,
As well as Gandhi,
Chuck close,
Van Gough, and his boy Pablo Picasso,
Mozart puts me to sleep,
He was my only nanny,
In the future I will reshape the game,
Beethoven will be my main inspiration and the hook that earns you the much deserved first Grammy,
So don’t look at me as uneducated and grimey,
Just because I wear baggy pants,
Try to use your mind to see past that,
So that you can see me,
No not the difference,
Most live their life by instilling strict boundaries,
What you consider “abnormalities” is just me giving you the respect of being unique,
I have just grown up differently,
And we doesn’t mean nothing,
So open you mind,
And take the hate out of your eyes see past the lies,
You’ll see me no one has yet,
I don’t mind the fact I am all alone,
I close my eyes,
This takes me to “my place”
So while in solitude I rome my dome all alone,
Like normal.
Throughout my life I life I have been SAD and HAPPY,
Beaten and Praised,
Raped and hated,
Because of being blazed I went through a majority of my life glazed,
I did this in order to compensate for the memories I can not face,
My mind is blank tape that has been erased,
I had to,
Or I did so at least subconsciously,
For let me ask you how I could be a real man and feel disgrace,
People claim they see it in my face,
So I left my past behind without a trace,
I have been shot at,
Abused,
Content and confused,
Manic and panicked,
Entranced and romanced,
Slashed, bashed and trashed on,
Complimented and humiliated,
Influenced and raised with out a biological family,
A truth I have grown to live with daily,
So I grew up differently,
Simply,
Humbly,
So when I met others just like me,
We became one another’s family,
What fueled me was the thought that do no one unique grew up classically,
So since day one I started out fighting for what I believed,
but I got tired of my dreams,
for the past 19years I’ve won or been defeated,
That’s still a long bout with associated by insomnia,
For me it’s brought on a permanent paranoia,
Most look at me like I am a schizophrenic loner,
Raised by music books and television,
I have always lived alone,
Forced to make my decisions most of my life is do or die,
You judge my life and say you apologize,
Young females say they cry,
You would see 90% Happiness and only 10% torture,
Yet because I express myself you see me as a lyrical whore,
And
If it was that bad I would take my only outlet of homicidal tendencies times four,
And then I would turn them against me,
Please trust I’ve had suicidal dreams,
Desires and wishes,
Drastic attempts denied,
For I was born to survive,
Destined to influence life,
For I was inspired by Eminem,
And 50 cent who’s words in my psyche have made a dent,
There the typical persona and stigmatic “personality” you would see in me,
But before you conclude this
What about MLK,
Helen Keller,
As well as Gandhi,
Chuck close,
Van Gough, and his boy Pablo Picasso,
Mozart puts me to sleep,
He was my only nanny,
In the future I will reshape the game,
Beethoven will be my main inspiration and the hook that earns you the much deserved first Grammy,
So don’t look at me as uneducated and grimey,
Just because I wear baggy pants,
Try to use your mind to see past that,
So that you can see me,
No not the difference,
Most live their life by instilling strict boundaries,
What you consider “abnormalities” is just me giving you the respect of being unique,
I have just grown up differently,
And we doesn’t mean nothing,
So open you mind,
And take the hate out of your eyes see past the lies,
You’ll see me no one has yet,
I don’t mind the fact I am all alone,
I close my eyes,
This takes me to “my place”
So while in solitude I rome my dome all alone,
Like normal.
Sad and Happy: My Life to TOO 2"
Throughout my life I life I have been SAD and HAPPY,
Beaten and Praised,
Raped and hated,
Because of being blazed I went through a majority of my life glazed,
I did this in order to compensate for the memories I can not face,
My mind is blank tape that has been erased,
I had to,
Or I did so at least subconsciously,
For let me ask you how I could be a real man and feel disgrace,
People claim they see it in my face,
So I left my past behind without a trace,
I have been shot at,
Abused,
Content and confused,
Manic and panicked,
Entranced and romanced,
Slashed, bashed and trashed on,
Complimented and humiliated,
Influenced and raised with out a biological family,
A truth I have grown to live with daily,
So I grew up differently,
Simply,
Humbly,
So when I met others just like me,
We became one another’s family,
What fueled me was the thought that do no one unique grew up classically,
So since day one I started out fighting for what I believed,
but I got tired of my dreams,
for the past 19years I’ve won or been defeated,
That’s still a long bout with associated by insomnia,
For me it’s brought on a permanent paranoia,
Most look at me like I am a schizophrenic loner,
Raised by music books and television,
I have always lived alone,
Forced to make my decisions most of my life is do or die,
You judge my life and say you apologize,
Young females say they cry,
You would see 90% Happiness and only 10% torture,
Yet because I express myself you see me as a lyrical whore,
And
If it was that bad I would take my only outlet of homicidal tendencies times four,
And then I would turn them against me,
Please trust I’ve had suicidal dreams,
Desires and wishes,
Drastic attempts denied,
For I was born to survive,
Destined to influence life,
For I was inspired by Eminem,
And 50 cent who’s words in my psyche have made a dent,
There the typical persona and stigmatic “personality” you would see in me,
But before you conclude this
What about MLK,
Helen Keller,
As well as Gandhi,
Chuck close,
Van Gough, and his boy Pablo Picasso,
Mozart puts me to sleep,
He was my only nanny,
In the future I will reshape the game,
Beethoven will be my main inspiration and the hook that earns you the much deserved first Grammy,
So don’t look at me as uneducated and grimey,
Just because I wear baggy pants,
Try to use your mind to see past that,
So that you can see me,
No not the difference,
Most live their life by instilling strict boundaries,
What you consider “abnormalities” is just me giving you the respect of being unique,
I have just grown up differently,
And we doesn’t mean nothing,
So open you mind,
And take the hate out of your eyes see past the lies,
You’ll see me no one has yet,
I don’t mind the fact I am all alone,
I close my eyes,
This takes me to “my place”
So while in solitude I rome my dome all alone,
Like normal.
Throughout my life I life I have been SAD and HAPPY,
Beaten and Praised,
Raped and hated,
Because of being blazed I went through a majority of my life glazed,
I did this in order to compensate for the memories I can not face,
My mind is blank tape that has been erased,
I had to,
Or I did so at least subconsciously,
For let me ask you how I could be a real man and feel disgrace,
People claim they see it in my face,
So I left my past behind without a trace,
I have been shot at,
Abused,
Content and confused,
Manic and panicked,
Entranced and romanced,
Slashed, bashed and trashed on,
Complimented and humiliated,
Influenced and raised with out a biological family,
A truth I have grown to live with daily,
So I grew up differently,
Simply,
Humbly,
So when I met others just like me,
We became one another’s family,
What fueled me was the thought that do no one unique grew up classically,
So since day one I started out fighting for what I believed,
but I got tired of my dreams,
for the past 19years I’ve won or been defeated,
That’s still a long bout with associated by insomnia,
For me it’s brought on a permanent paranoia,
Most look at me like I am a schizophrenic loner,
Raised by music books and television,
I have always lived alone,
Forced to make my decisions most of my life is do or die,
You judge my life and say you apologize,
Young females say they cry,
You would see 90% Happiness and only 10% torture,
Yet because I express myself you see me as a lyrical whore,
And
If it was that bad I would take my only outlet of homicidal tendencies times four,
And then I would turn them against me,
Please trust I’ve had suicidal dreams,
Desires and wishes,
Drastic attempts denied,
For I was born to survive,
Destined to influence life,
For I was inspired by Eminem,
And 50 cent who’s words in my psyche have made a dent,
There the typical persona and stigmatic “personality” you would see in me,
But before you conclude this
What about MLK,
Helen Keller,
As well as Gandhi,
Chuck close,
Van Gough, and his boy Pablo Picasso,
Mozart puts me to sleep,
He was my only nanny,
In the future I will reshape the game,
Beethoven will be my main inspiration and the hook that earns you the much deserved first Grammy,
So don’t look at me as uneducated and grimey,
Just because I wear baggy pants,
Try to use your mind to see past that,
So that you can see me,
No not the difference,
Most live their life by instilling strict boundaries,
What you consider “abnormalities” is just me giving you the respect of being unique,
I have just grown up differently,
And we doesn’t mean nothing,
So open you mind,
And take the hate out of your eyes see past the lies,
You’ll see me no one has yet,
I don’t mind the fact I am all alone,
I close my eyes,
This takes me to “my place”
So while in solitude I rome my dome all alone,
Like normal.
"Now and Later"
"Now and Later"
Maybe I am just scared,
I see people moving forward,
And subconsciously I am standing still,
Not scared to move forward but in fear if I fail,
Yet also some times imp scared of success,
Not sure if I can keep up with all the hard work and stress,
To fail is easy,
To be moderate is ok,
I want to be different,
I don’t just want to settle or just be ok,
I desire,
No I require to be in the top 10%,
Maybe I live in fear that I will never see that day,
That’s why I want to kill myself now,
Scared of despair in the future,
Because if I don’t reach my goals sometime in my life I will slit my throat,
Cut my wrists,
Cutting out my heart,
Sending it to my mother as an apology and a gift,
So why wait all that time to strive,
Work hard,
And just to fail,
I used to have dreams but they’ve been shut down,
Clowned,
Even by my parents I was mentally molested and intellectually raped,
Even my friends think I am stupid,
I know,
They tell me so,
They look at me as if mentally challenged,
All around slow,
I have been broken early in life,
So I stuff and hide everything in my mind,
Even though I am rugged and fierce at times,
Remembering at times not to let anyone break my balls,
So I set up walls,
But to the people I “TRUST”,
My friends and my family,
I have let them in at times,
All they do is beat and taunt me,
Things said and done,
Documented with a photographic memory,
They stick in my mind suppressed and always haunting me.
Maybe I am just scared,
I see people moving forward,
And subconsciously I am standing still,
Not scared to move forward but in fear if I fail,
Yet also some times imp scared of success,
Not sure if I can keep up with all the hard work and stress,
To fail is easy,
To be moderate is ok,
I want to be different,
I don’t just want to settle or just be ok,
I desire,
No I require to be in the top 10%,
Maybe I live in fear that I will never see that day,
That’s why I want to kill myself now,
Scared of despair in the future,
Because if I don’t reach my goals sometime in my life I will slit my throat,
Cut my wrists,
Cutting out my heart,
Sending it to my mother as an apology and a gift,
So why wait all that time to strive,
Work hard,
And just to fail,
I used to have dreams but they’ve been shut down,
Clowned,
Even by my parents I was mentally molested and intellectually raped,
Even my friends think I am stupid,
I know,
They tell me so,
They look at me as if mentally challenged,
All around slow,
I have been broken early in life,
So I stuff and hide everything in my mind,
Even though I am rugged and fierce at times,
Remembering at times not to let anyone break my balls,
So I set up walls,
But to the people I “TRUST”,
My friends and my family,
I have let them in at times,
All they do is beat and taunt me,
Things said and done,
Documented with a photographic memory,
They stick in my mind suppressed and always haunting me.
"STe@M"
"SteAm"
The Steam, and The Heat, The Sweat From My brow,
Staring Into space, Sitting Still, I don’t know How,
Blinding Silence, Deafening Visions, So Many Decisions,
To Be Made,
To Act out, To Have Control, Sitting in This Seat,
Reality Appears So Droll,
Like An Old Scroll, Found Again Through Time,
I Open Up, And The Elixir Of Life I Define and Describe,
Like A Bribe To be Had, But Not to be taken,
As Soon As the Initial Line is Read, Hands Stiffen,
Finger Tips Begin to Shake, And,
Yet I sit Here, Once Again Abandoned,
Lonely and Still,
Still I Sit and I Contemplate,
Reoccurring Thoughts, And The Simplicity of Days,
I Recite Dates from the past that have Described My Fate,
IS it to Late?, I ask, AS the sun goes down,
Sitting Here Looking down, Inside the town,
An outsider, With a Name the doubles for a noun,
That is how I am Seen as I am passed like a Thing,
So I think of Things To Come, Yet the Outcome is uncertain,
How Can I Be All this and Yet still describe My self empty as a person,
Stuck in a Prison, AS if an outcast, Behind Bars And Ignored,
Yet I Still Fight at My Probation Hearing,
Inadvertently Asking For More,
Sore From The beatings, Yet not Feeling pain,
As I sit in my Spot, Cold, And alone, Moving but not getting anywhere,
Why do I Describe all of this, as if someone cared,
So don’t look with Doe Eyes, yet continue to pass by,
I am Happiness, Coupled With pain,
Yet I emit an honesty, it keeps me from being looked at the same,
Vini, Vinny, Vici,
I Came, I saw, and I conquered,
Yet When you Feel My Absence, Be Real, Remember When I Came,
All I Request is Not Much Of you,
I may be seen as Whatever you Want, crazy and untamed,
Inconcieved, Brutally Honest, Call me what you like, The Outcome is still the Same,
All I ask is that you Simplify Your Complications,
You, and Just You remember my Name.
Them Kisses, I Miss
"Them Kisses, I miss(4KLDeJ)"
I miss the kisses that left my lips so wet,
So wet like the tears that I shed in the past,
You whipped them those tears that I shed and you wiped away my fears,
With such ease you did it with such ease, I begged, I pleaded so many times in the past, and you wiped it away like sweat from a furrowed brow,
So many times in my life I’ve said OW
And Now,
I miss the lips that said those sweet words,
Verbs that curved me away from discretion,
I was taught a lesson,
I was blessed and I felt like a man for once,
For once I felt normal, for once I felt loved, for once I felt the warmth from your hugs,
Its tugged and pulled at me like a nagging child,
It drove me wild, my unappreciation,
I never knew what it was,
But it was you,
Not nagging me, but telling me to not take you so lightly,
That you were not loose in the head,
but that you were Luz,
the light of my life,
your were to be appreciated cared, cultivated and cultured,
you deserved all that love, you were to be loved,
held atop of shoulders,
You made me so many things, bolder, mature
You helped me to feel older,
I miss your eyes that saw through me and saw my lies,
I miss the heart that felt for me and no other guys,
I feel the pain you took away,
I missed it, but I thank you for taking it away even if for a day,
I miss the confidence that you portrayed and radiated from you in every single way,
I miss the day to day, leading into days that turned into nights that we spent together,
From the first second I met you I was swayed,
By cowboy boots and a wife beater,
I got hooked on you like an addict to crack, what can I say?
“marry me”, “never leave”, be with me and I will do anything to please”, Be my wifey…. I wont take No for an answer,” I beg of you on my knees,
No none of those will do,
How about a cup of coffee from me to you,
A sweet word, a holding of the hands and a smile,
How about we watch o movie and talk about how were nerds and listen to the meaning of each other words,
What’s it all mean,
All I can say is thank you and I'm sorry,
I know I may not be so rich, I may be poor B,
See me for who I am, and all that I could be,
See me for who I will become an all I will Be,
Love me and see it because it’s a reciprocation back towards you,
Who I could be?
Who am I now? That’s the question I pose to who? I don’t know I don’t know how to show you that I can be all you wanted and more,
But for now I need to be alone,
I need to do this for me,
I need to be the definition of all I can be,
"Lovingly"
"Lovingly"
Unspoken I look at you silently, You look at me enticingly, I feel the need to look away, It is your eyes, They are visually mesmerizing me, Tempting, Tantalizing me, Your demeanor is that of a sinning innocence, There is a difference in you that I see, Regardless of your prior situations you need to be with me, Your current situation makes no difference to me, You and me need to see what the deal is between you and me, With a shape that is enticing and so exciting, Yet it is your demeanor and mentality that truly has gotten to me, Frightening me, Exciting me, Captivating my interest instantly and intensely, More that when the screams and yells bring about the appearance of Gyika, This whole situation is more shocking to me than when a nun kisses and tells society, You definitely seem to be an angel that came into my life ironically, True, But that fact non the less is an undeniability, Now weather or not my words and feelings are understood for their true meaning and intensity, I will put it to you simply, If I ever dispense the non sense and I build up the confidence to share with you not stare at you, And if I could honestly present you with the proposition of being my boo, And if my words thoughts and feelings are presented for you to see, Read, Or hear, Please know they are true, And if you have any questions, Look in my eyes as you did on our first encounter, And you will see that I can’t help but think about you, And that is forthright and honest, Todo y Siempre is true.
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