"Now and Later"

"Now and Later"

Maybe I am just scared,

I see people moving forward,

And subconsciously I am standing still,

Not scared to move forward but in fear if I fail,

Yet also some times imp scared of success,

Not sure if I can keep up with all the hard work and stress,

To fail is easy,

To be moderate is ok,

I want to be different,

I don’t just want to settle or just be ok,

I desire,

No I require to be in the top 10%,

Maybe I live in fear that I will never see that day,

That’s why I want to kill myself now,

Scared of despair in the future,

Because if I don’t reach my goals sometime in my life I will slit my throat,

Cut my wrists,

Cutting out my heart,

Sending it to my mother as an apology and a gift,

So why wait all that time to strive,

Work hard,

And just to fail,

I used to have dreams but they’ve been shut down,

Clowned,

Even by my parents I was mentally molested and intellectually raped,

Even my friends think I am stupid,

I know,

They tell me so,

They look at me as if mentally challenged,

All around slow,

I have been broken early in life,

So I stuff and hide everything in my mind,

Even though I am rugged and fierce at times,

Remembering at times not to let anyone break my balls,

So I set up walls,

But to the people I “TRUST”,

My friends and my family,

I have let them in at times,

All they do is beat and taunt me,

Things said and done,

Documented with a photographic memory,

They stick in my mind suppressed and always haunting me.

"STe@M"

"SteAm"

The Steam, and The Heat, The Sweat From My brow,

Staring Into space, Sitting Still, I don’t know How,

Blinding Silence, Deafening Visions, So Many Decisions,

 To Be Made,

To Act out, To Have Control, Sitting in This Seat,

Reality Appears So Droll,

Like An Old Scroll, Found Again Through Time,

I Open Up, And The Elixir Of Life I Define and Describe,

Like  A Bribe To be Had, But Not to be taken,

As Soon As the Initial Line is Read, Hands Stiffen,

Finger Tips Begin to Shake, And,

Yet I sit Here, Once Again Abandoned,

Lonely and Still,

Still I Sit and I Contemplate,

Reoccurring Thoughts, And The Simplicity of Days,

I Recite Dates from the past that have Described My Fate,

IS it to Late?, I ask, AS the sun goes down,

Sitting Here Looking down, Inside the town,

An outsider, With a Name the doubles for a noun,

 That is how I am Seen as I am passed like a Thing,

So I think of Things To Come, Yet the Outcome is uncertain,

How Can I Be All this and Yet still describe My self empty as a person,

Stuck in a Prison, AS if an outcast, Behind Bars And Ignored,

Yet I Still Fight at My Probation Hearing,

Inadvertently Asking For More,

Sore From The beatings, Yet not Feeling pain,

As I sit in my Spot, Cold, And alone, Moving but not getting anywhere,

Why do I Describe all of this, as if someone cared,

So don’t look with Doe Eyes, yet continue to pass by,

I am Happiness, Coupled With pain,

Yet I emit an honesty, it keeps me from being looked at the same,

Vini, Vinny, Vici,

I Came, I saw,  and I conquered,

Yet When you Feel My Absence, Be Real, Remember When I Came,

All I Request is Not Much Of you,

I may be seen as Whatever you Want, crazy and untamed,

Inconcieved, Brutally Honest, Call me what you like, The Outcome is still the Same,

All I ask is that you Simplify Your Complications,

You, and Just You remember my Name.