"Now and Later"

"Now and Later"

Maybe I am just scared,

I see people moving forward,

And subconsciously I am standing still,

Not scared to move forward but in fear if I fail,

Yet also some times imp scared of success,

Not sure if I can keep up with all the hard work and stress,

To fail is easy,

To be moderate is ok,

I want to be different,

I don’t just want to settle or just be ok,

I desire,

No I require to be in the top 10%,

Maybe I live in fear that I will never see that day,

That’s why I want to kill myself now,

Scared of despair in the future,

Because if I don’t reach my goals sometime in my life I will slit my throat,

Cut my wrists,

Cutting out my heart,

Sending it to my mother as an apology and a gift,

So why wait all that time to strive,

Work hard,

And just to fail,

I used to have dreams but they’ve been shut down,

Clowned,

Even by my parents I was mentally molested and intellectually raped,

Even my friends think I am stupid,

I know,

They tell me so,

They look at me as if mentally challenged,

All around slow,

I have been broken early in life,

So I stuff and hide everything in my mind,

Even though I am rugged and fierce at times,

Remembering at times not to let anyone break my balls,

So I set up walls,

But to the people I “TRUST”,

My friends and my family,

I have let them in at times,

All they do is beat and taunt me,

Things said and done,

Documented with a photographic memory,

They stick in my mind suppressed and always haunting me.