Wondering

The Beauty; Cooks

The beauty, The lovely looks, No one understand how it looks, When you take off your glass, Magnification, Cooks, Heat and simmer, Like a well prepared dinner, Course by course, But of course, Sweet like a pomegranate, I have to have it, As long as you take the time, Put in the work, And everything will be better than fine, The juices on my fingers, Like mike Tyson in a amateur fight, A ringer, I was knocked out, Tko 1st round bout, A silence with nails digging, If you are to speak like that, im listening, Singing, Ears ringing with what you have to say, A passion that sprays, All that needs to be said o my I say, To listen, to live, to love another day.

Divine Endings; confessions

To use again would to be my divine end, Loosing control, Amping my life that to me is so droll, Where does it begin, and where does it end, In this life, All I ask for is friend, A companion, Someone that would never abandon, The real thing in this world, That we all search for but never have, To hold my hand, To Take a STAND. The knife cuts so deep, It is “o my goodness….” So sweet, The blood, The trickle, The smell, The tickle, The warmth, The control, Even though I remove a part of me, some how, now I feel whole, The pain, The pleasure, The cold steel, Releasing the warmth, Changing just like the weather, The blade screams hot white cold pain, Yet I stay quiet, In my mind I stay sane, Plain jane, Me o my, Day in day out, How do I get by, What do I do? How do I win. Misunderstood for my torture, Abused for my sin, Confused by my feelings, Like im sitting on ceilings, Upside down is right side up, WTF, Im stuck. Working for more, Yet what is the score? Trying to get it out, Yet what is it all for?

Dreams to Be Had.

I thought of you today, even though I wasn’t supposed, It brought a smile to my face, And I needed it, That was cool, But at night when I think of you, all I do is look for distractions, Because on the outside im calm, But its on the inside where I have all my reactions, Heart palpitations, Licking my lips, Salivations, Thinking of your lips, hips and the way that you taste, The way that you smell, The way that you giggle, The way that you yell, I love your nails, When they attack my back like a hot tin roof assaulted by hail, It’ll never fail, I melt, Your skins warmth, like a pelt, Trying to figure out an answer, Like a dancer with a new routine, A challenge to be worth while, To obtain a dream, Meet a goal, To find the other half to a whole.

Thank You.

Dear God, I start of this letter by acknowledging the reality that I have had a disregard for life. I gave it up, I rejected it, and you saved me. That must have a significance and a true meaning. Right? You said no, it was not my time, and were gracious enough to allowed me the gift of life, and kept me alive when I did not want it, there must be a reason….., no I know there is a reason. I thank you. I thank you for the pain that has been in my life. The bumps the bruises, the cute the scrapes, the concussions, the inevitable repercussions, the pain, the anguish and the torment I have faced. Yes I have scars inside and out, yet I find them beautiful for I have healed and I have become stronger where once I was weak. They are reminders that I have every day of my life. The ones most people think are the worst and that I am judged for, I ignore, for to me they are personal and represent so much more than anyone could understand. For what is a scar but a fortified area, where I was once weak I am stronger and I can help others as well, I did not recognize that at the time, but now I do. For that knowledge and understanding I thank you. For all that has happened I recognize how I am a better man now and I thank you. I thank you for all of the gifts and lessons that you have put in my path, good or bad I have learned. You educated me when I chose ignorance and I thank you. You have blessed me with more chances then I can count. I don’t know why, but I will earn it and deserve it. For that I thank you. I don’t know what is in store for me, but I have faith. I know there is not a path blazed for me but I will blaze that trail. For nothing deserved it is not given, it is earned, and earn I shall. I will work hard, I will strive to do more than survive. I will be more. I will not rest on my laurels and make excuses, I will break down doors and I will be more. For giving me my drive and showing me a light I thank you. I thank you for the people in my life, friends, family, best friends, enemies, haters, ect. Yes, everyone. Whether good or bad I have learned from them and been taught so many life lessons that I don’t know how to express. I have had some of the best people in my life that I could ever ask for. Amazing, Intelligent, Strong, Fascinating, Intense, Significant, Honest, and true people. I see that now, and that is why to a select few that are in my life I ask them to join my circle, I love and respect them, all I ask is that they accept me, and see me for ME, and all that I be, good and bad. I know I’m not perfect, yet I also know that I am unique with capabilities that if truly recognized, reflects greatness, they have taught me that. I thank you for allowing me to be a part of their lives. For everyone I have met and will meet I THANK YOU. I thank you for taking me on so many journeys in life. My life has never gone from point A to B, it more went from A to X to D to Z to F to C to B, but I enjoyed the journey and the experiences, because I always wound up right where I needed to be. I don’t know where my life is headed now, and I don’t know where I am going, but I know where I want to end up. I am scared at the present moment, and I am full of confusion, I have lost people on this journey, I have met some others that are greater, and inspire. I always believe there is a plan, but I am nervous, frustrated, and confused, yet I will leave it all behind and starting NOW I will strive to be stronger, to have more faith, and never to loose either again, and continue willingly on this journey, and not just to passively continue, but with fortitude, knowledge, strength, and hopefully peace of mind. I know when I am weak you will be there at my side. For when I am at my worst God, you are at your best, and you love me, nurture me, and guide me, for everything you do I thank you. Thank you for all this and so much more. With all that I have, body, mind, and soul, in your name I pray. Amen. A.

Consider That.....

I need to get healthy,
I need to do me,
I need to do more,
I feel like ive been reborn,
I need to open my eyes so that I can see,
I need to focus and say forget the hocus pocus,
I need to get real,
I need to be me,

You feel me?
But what is that, that you really see?
Can you understand me?
See me for me?
I may be different,
But u act like im having fun,
Its not fun to always be fighting to be understood,
Always being told I cant, and I never could,
Could I excel?
Can I rebel?
Can I do more,
You bet I can and I will,
So pull your shades tight and lock you doors,
Im going to show you more than you could have imagined,
Don’t be scared because your old fashioned,
Embrace the new,
Screw the normal view,
See me for me, and all that I be,
Im a glutton I want more,
More of life, and more for more,
I may broken, but im not poor,
Im rich with ideas,
Forget that im full of fears,

CONFRONTATION,

Deliberation, will lead to success,
I can deal with the stress, I always have and always will,
I must be empty cause I haven’t had my fill, yet,
I can take more,
You wanna battle me, Ill beat you with double,
No, triple your score,
I don’t do it for fame, or to be a part of an allure,
I do it because its part of me,
Its all I can be,
Better than you,
Don’t be mad, don’t be jealous,
I bowed down at one point,
You became overzealous,
Contemplate this,
If you knew what I been through,
Understood who I be,
You wouldn’t ever question my potential nor my ability,
I may not be the master,
But I will one day,
When you stuck in your 9 to 5 for life, until your old and grey,
Ill still be rebuilding,
I still be fresh and new,
And you thought because I had ADHD I had nothing on you,
I just got my start late,
But ill finish this race,
You may have sprinted early,
But I have a consistent building on my pace,
So look up,
And say it to my face,
Listen to me,
And look in the mirror,
Dude you’re a waste.
Im a sinner turned into a winner,
You’re a liar and bore,
I may not be perfect,
But I will succeed with no regrets.

Consider that……..

not a christmas Carroll.....

Yeah so?
I met her off a website, and it was magical,
It was something definite it was not sporadical,
And that night, we were the only two in the world,
I saw fireworks that lit up the night sky, oh that girl,
Brighter than neon lights, no im not gonna lie,
We had a whirlwind romance,
It left me in a trance,
Like a sexy tango, a sexy as dance,
She had curves, and words, and a mind ive never seen before,
I was the underdog,
So how did I score?
How did I win, or I thought I did at least,
But I treated it with no respect,
Like a thing,
She was the wind beneath my wing,
For the time that it lasted,
I did her wrong,
And now im just blasted,
I lost, I loved,
I wish it could have lasted,
I was classless, and I didn’t learn,
Now im stuck here all alone and all I can do is let it burn,
She evoked something different,
I don’t know how she did it,
I wish we could kick,
But that’s not in the cards now,
And how could I be dumb that you ask?
Once I won, how did I drop to the bottom of the class?

I didn’t do right,
I didn’t Fight,
I didn’t see the light,

I cant go back to that, I cant be bad like that,
Head my words, there not just a story,
I got left for the better pick, isn’t that sick,
I thought I had it all, and it dropped like a ball,
It bounced away from me,

Disconnect,

Its my fault, I didn’t show how I really felt,
I lacked respect,
But that’s my bad, all I did,
I hid from what I felt,
But when I would ever see her, maybe she didn’t know,
I would melt,
With all that I felt,
She never saw,
Even though everyone else did,
She needed more,
Something I couldn’t do, not never, just not at this time,
But it was her time to shine, and she did like dia (mond)
And in the rough,
I know she’s tough,
I know she’s real, the complete deal,

I messed up, and now that im stuck, I don’t know what to do, I don’t want anything, not anymore, I just want more in my life, im trying to push for more, but the heart is a muscle and now its torn and sore. Its my life that needs focus, im scattered and battered, my mental is not sound, so its time to solidify it, and put my feet on the ground, and walk, no run up that hill, time to do it big, time to do what I feel. That’s WIN.

My life’s been a stress,
I’m blessed for that girl,
But she’s gone and I need to give my love life a rest,
It hurts to breath, my complete chest.
So now to use my mind,
So don’t count me out,
Keep me in mind,
Im the kind, that rises up,
Like a phoenix from the ashes,
One day ill shine so bright you’ll need a new pair of Oakley glasses,
And ill make all my dreams come true,
Except when it comes to her,
I loved, I fussed, I lost all of her trust,
Shes gone for good? How is that good?
To loose her completely, I thought that it would defeat me,
But I treated her like a thing,
Now the best thing ever is gone,
On another road, this is my song.

I will win no matter what, I will be better than the best,
I will work for more,
I will work to be blessed,
I will commit to what I do,
Even though its done differently,
I will be great,
And I will never feel hate,
I will succeed,
I may bleed,
But I will give my all,
Write that down,
Remember this date.
Maybe it was fate.
Now its to late.
(Alas I will never forget her and our first date.)