Sad & Happy (Pt. 2)

Sad and Happy Too2
Sad and Happy: My Life to TOO 2

Throughout my life I life I have been SAD and HAPPY,

Beaten and Praised,

Raped and hated,

Because of being blazed I went through a majority of my life glazed,

I did this in order to compensate for the memories I can not face,

My mind is blank tape that has been erased,

I had to,

Or I did so at least subconsciously,

For let me ask you how I could be a real man and feel disgrace,

People claim they see it in my face,

So I left my past behind without a trace,

I have been shot at,

Abused,

Content and confused,

Manic and panicked,

Entranced and romanced,

Slashed, bashed and trashed on,

Complimented and humiliated,

Influenced and raised with out a biological family,

A truth I have grown to live with daily,

So I grew up differently,

Simply,

Humbly,

So when I met others just like me,

We became one another’s family,

What fueled me was the thought that do no one unique grew up classically,

So since day one I started out fighting for what I believed,
but I got tired of my dreams,
for the past 19years I’ve won or been defeated,

That’s still a long bout with associated by insomnia,

For me it’s brought on a permanent paranoia,

Most look at me like I am a schizophrenic loner,

Raised by music books and television,

I have always lived alone,

Forced to make my decisions most of my life is do or die,

You judge my life and say you apologize,

Young females say they cry,

You would see 90% Happiness and only 10% torture,

Yet because I express myself you see me as a lyrical whore,

And

If it was that bad I would take my only outlet of homicidal tendencies times four,

And then I would turn them against me,

Please trust I’ve had suicidal dreams,

Desires and wishes,

Drastic attempts denied,

For I was born to survive,

Destined to influence life,

For I was inspired by Eminem,

And 50 cent who’s words in my psyche have made a dent,

There the typical persona and stigmatic “personality” you would see in me,

But before you conclude this

What about MLK,

Helen Keller,

As well as Gandhi,

Chuck close,

Van Gough, and his boy Pablo Picasso,

Mozart puts me to sleep,

He was my only nanny,

In the future I will reshape the game,

Beethoven will be my main inspiration and the hook that earns you the much deserved first Grammy,

So don’t look at me as uneducated and grimey,

Just because I wear baggy pants,

Try to use your mind to see past that,

So that you can see me,

No not the difference,

Most live their life by instilling strict boundaries,

What you consider “abnormalities” is just me giving you the respect of being unique,

I have just grown up differently,

And we doesn’t mean nothing,

So open you mind,

And take the hate out of your eyes see past the lies,

You’ll see me no one has yet,

I don’t mind the fact I am all alone,

I close my eyes,

This takes me to “my place”

So while in solitude I rome my dome all alone,

Like normal.

Lovingly UnSpoken (1)

Lovingly: Unspoken (1)

Lovingly: Unspoken I look at you silently, You look at me enticingly, I feel the need to look away, It is your eyes, They are visually mesmerizing me, Tempting, Tantalizing me, Your demeanor is that of a sinning innocence, There is a difference in you that I see, Regardless of your prior situations you need to be with me, Your current situation makes no difference to me, You and me need to see what the deal is between you and me, With a shape that is enticing and so exciting, Yet it is your demeanor and mentality that truly has gotten to me, Frightening me, Exciting me, Captivating my interest instantly and intensely, More that when the screams and yells bring about the appearance of Gyika, This whole situation is more shocking to me than when a nun kisses and tells society, You definitely seem to be an angel that came into my life ironically, True, But that fact non the less is an undeniability, Now weather or not my words and feelings are understood for their true meaning and intensity, I will put it to you simply, If I ever dispense the non sense and I build up the confidence to share with you not stare at you, And if I could honestly present you with the proposition of being my boo, And if my words thoughts and feelings are presented for you to see, Read, Or hear, Please know they are true, And if you have any questions, Look in my eyes as you did on our first encounter, And you will see that I can’t help but think about you, And that is forthright and honest, Todo y Siempre is true.

I Did 2 Day?

I DId 2 Day
I did 2day I slit my wrist today, I used a blade, it tore my skin, the sweetest sin, you have no Idea what ive done, or where ive been, is there really a need for me to say more?, I know I did it to become free, to be released from all the pain I felt so frequently, that’s the truth, believe me, Ive seen my future and its undesireable to me, I apologize ive asked for help and then it came down to this, I am sorry...

Sad and Happy Too 2

"Sad and Happy Too2
Sad and Happy: My Life to TOO 2"

Throughout my life I life I have been SAD and HAPPY,

Beaten and Praised,

Raped and hated,

Because of being blazed I went through a majority of my life glazed,

I did this in order to compensate for the memories I can not face,

My mind is blank tape that has been erased,

I had to,

Or I did so at least subconsciously,

For let me ask you how I could be a real man and feel disgrace,

People claim they see it in my face,

So I left my past behind without a trace,

I have been shot at,

Abused,

Content and confused,

Manic and panicked,

Entranced and romanced,

Slashed, bashed and trashed on,

Complimented and humiliated,

Influenced and raised with out a biological family,

A truth I have grown to live with daily,

So I grew up differently,

Simply,

Humbly,

So when I met others just like me,

We became one another’s family,

What fueled me was the thought that do no one unique grew up classically,

So since day one I started out fighting for what I believed,
but I got tired of my dreams,
for the past 19years I’ve won or been defeated,

That’s still a long bout with associated by insomnia,

For me it’s brought on a permanent paranoia,

Most look at me like I am a schizophrenic loner,

Raised by music books and television,

I have always lived alone,

Forced to make my decisions most of my life is do or die,

You judge my life and say you apologize,

Young females say they cry,

You would see 90% Happiness and only 10% torture,

Yet because I express myself you see me as a lyrical whore,

And

If it was that bad I would take my only outlet of homicidal tendencies times four,

And then I would turn them against me,

Please trust I’ve had suicidal dreams,

Desires and wishes,

Drastic attempts denied,

For I was born to survive,

Destined to influence life,

For I was inspired by Eminem,

And 50 cent who’s words in my psyche have made a dent,

There the typical persona and stigmatic “personality” you would see in me,

But before you conclude this

What about MLK,

Helen Keller,

As well as Gandhi,

Chuck close,

Van Gough, and his boy Pablo Picasso,

Mozart puts me to sleep,

He was my only nanny,

In the future I will reshape the game,

Beethoven will be my main inspiration and the hook that earns you the much deserved first Grammy,

So don’t look at me as uneducated and grimey,

Just because I wear baggy pants,

Try to use your mind to see past that,

So that you can see me,

No not the difference,

Most live their life by instilling strict boundaries,

What you consider “abnormalities” is just me giving you the respect of being unique,

I have just grown up differently,

And we doesn’t mean nothing,

So open you mind,

And take the hate out of your eyes see past the lies,

You’ll see me no one has yet,

I don’t mind the fact I am all alone,

I close my eyes,

This takes me to “my place”

So while in solitude I rome my dome all alone,

Like normal.
Throughout my life I life I have been SAD and HAPPY,

Beaten and Praised,

Raped and hated,

Because of being blazed I went through a majority of my life glazed,

I did this in order to compensate for the memories I can not face,

My mind is blank tape that has been erased,

I had to,

Or I did so at least subconsciously,

For let me ask you how I could be a real man and feel disgrace,

People claim they see it in my face,

So I left my past behind without a trace,

I have been shot at,

Abused,

Content and confused,

Manic and panicked,

Entranced and romanced,

Slashed, bashed and trashed on,

Complimented and humiliated,

Influenced and raised with out a biological family,

A truth I have grown to live with daily,

So I grew up differently,

Simply,

Humbly,

So when I met others just like me,

We became one another’s family,

What fueled me was the thought that do no one unique grew up classically,

So since day one I started out fighting for what I believed,
but I got tired of my dreams,
for the past 19years I’ve won or been defeated,

That’s still a long bout with associated by insomnia,

For me it’s brought on a permanent paranoia,

Most look at me like I am a schizophrenic loner,

Raised by music books and television,

I have always lived alone,

Forced to make my decisions most of my life is do or die,

You judge my life and say you apologize,

Young females say they cry,

You would see 90% Happiness and only 10% torture,

Yet because I express myself you see me as a lyrical whore,

And

If it was that bad I would take my only outlet of homicidal tendencies times four,

And then I would turn them against me,

Please trust I’ve had suicidal dreams,

Desires and wishes,

Drastic attempts denied,

For I was born to survive,

Destined to influence life,

For I was inspired by Eminem,

And 50 cent who’s words in my psyche have made a dent,

There the typical persona and stigmatic “personality” you would see in me,

But before you conclude this

What about MLK,

Helen Keller,

As well as Gandhi,

Chuck close,

Van Gough, and his boy Pablo Picasso,

Mozart puts me to sleep,

He was my only nanny,

In the future I will reshape the game,

Beethoven will be my main inspiration and the hook that earns you the much deserved first Grammy,

So don’t look at me as uneducated and grimey,

Just because I wear baggy pants,

Try to use your mind to see past that,

So that you can see me,

No not the difference,

Most live their life by instilling strict boundaries,

What you consider “abnormalities” is just me giving you the respect of being unique,

I have just grown up differently,

And we doesn’t mean nothing,

So open you mind,

And take the hate out of your eyes see past the lies,

You’ll see me no one has yet,

I don’t mind the fact I am all alone,

I close my eyes,

This takes me to “my place”

So while in solitude I rome my dome all alone,

Like normal.

"Now and Later"

"Now and Later"

Maybe I am just scared,

I see people moving forward,

And subconsciously I am standing still,

Not scared to move forward but in fear if I fail,

Yet also some times imp scared of success,

Not sure if I can keep up with all the hard work and stress,

To fail is easy,

To be moderate is ok,

I want to be different,

I don’t just want to settle or just be ok,

I desire,

No I require to be in the top 10%,

Maybe I live in fear that I will never see that day,

That’s why I want to kill myself now,

Scared of despair in the future,

Because if I don’t reach my goals sometime in my life I will slit my throat,

Cut my wrists,

Cutting out my heart,

Sending it to my mother as an apology and a gift,

So why wait all that time to strive,

Work hard,

And just to fail,

I used to have dreams but they’ve been shut down,

Clowned,

Even by my parents I was mentally molested and intellectually raped,

Even my friends think I am stupid,

I know,

They tell me so,

They look at me as if mentally challenged,

All around slow,

I have been broken early in life,

So I stuff and hide everything in my mind,

Even though I am rugged and fierce at times,

Remembering at times not to let anyone break my balls,

So I set up walls,

But to the people I “TRUST”,

My friends and my family,

I have let them in at times,

All they do is beat and taunt me,

Things said and done,

Documented with a photographic memory,

They stick in my mind suppressed and always haunting me.

"STe@M"

"SteAm"

The Steam, and The Heat, The Sweat From My brow,

Staring Into space, Sitting Still, I don’t know How,

Blinding Silence, Deafening Visions, So Many Decisions,

 To Be Made,

To Act out, To Have Control, Sitting in This Seat,

Reality Appears So Droll,

Like An Old Scroll, Found Again Through Time,

I Open Up, And The Elixir Of Life I Define and Describe,

Like  A Bribe To be Had, But Not to be taken,

As Soon As the Initial Line is Read, Hands Stiffen,

Finger Tips Begin to Shake, And,

Yet I sit Here, Once Again Abandoned,

Lonely and Still,

Still I Sit and I Contemplate,

Reoccurring Thoughts, And The Simplicity of Days,

I Recite Dates from the past that have Described My Fate,

IS it to Late?, I ask, AS the sun goes down,

Sitting Here Looking down, Inside the town,

An outsider, With a Name the doubles for a noun,

 That is how I am Seen as I am passed like a Thing,

So I think of Things To Come, Yet the Outcome is uncertain,

How Can I Be All this and Yet still describe My self empty as a person,

Stuck in a Prison, AS if an outcast, Behind Bars And Ignored,

Yet I Still Fight at My Probation Hearing,

Inadvertently Asking For More,

Sore From The beatings, Yet not Feeling pain,

As I sit in my Spot, Cold, And alone, Moving but not getting anywhere,

Why do I Describe all of this, as if someone cared,

So don’t look with Doe Eyes, yet continue to pass by,

I am Happiness, Coupled With pain,

Yet I emit an honesty, it keeps me from being looked at the same,

Vini, Vinny, Vici,

I Came, I saw,  and I conquered,

Yet When you Feel My Absence, Be Real, Remember When I Came,

All I Request is Not Much Of you,

I may be seen as Whatever you Want, crazy and untamed,

Inconcieved, Brutally Honest, Call me what you like, The Outcome is still the Same,

All I ask is that you Simplify Your Complications,

You, and Just You remember my Name.

Them Kisses, I Miss

"Them Kisses, I miss(4KLDeJ)"

I miss the kisses that left my lips so wet,

So wet like the tears that I shed in the past,

You whipped them those tears that I shed and you wiped away my fears,

With such ease you did it with such ease, I begged, I pleaded so many times in the past, and you wiped it away like sweat from a furrowed brow,

So many times in my life I’ve said OW

And Now,

I miss the lips that said those sweet words,

Verbs that curved me away from discretion,

I  was taught a lesson,

I was blessed and I felt like a man for once,

For once I felt normal, for once I felt loved, for once I felt the warmth from your hugs,

Its tugged and pulled at me like a nagging child,

It drove me wild, my unappreciation,

I never knew what it was,

But it was you,

Not nagging me, but telling me to not take you so lightly,

That you were not loose in the head,

but that you were Luz,

the light of my life,

your were to be appreciated cared, cultivated and cultured,

you deserved all that love, you were to be loved,

held atop of shoulders,

You made me so many things, bolder, mature

You helped me to feel older,

I miss your eyes that saw through me and saw my lies,

I miss the heart that felt for me and no other guys,

I feel the pain you took away,

I missed it, but I thank you for taking it away even if for a day,

I miss the confidence that you portrayed and radiated from you in every single way,

I miss the day to day, leading into days that turned into nights that we spent together,

From the first second I met you I was swayed,

By cowboy boots and a wife beater,

I got hooked on you like an addict to crack, what can I say?

“marry me”, “never leave”, be with me and I will do anything to please”, Be my wifey…. I wont take No for an answer,” I beg of you on my knees,

No none of those will do,

How about a cup of coffee from me to you,

A sweet word, a holding of the hands and a smile,

How about we watch o movie and talk about how were nerds and listen to the meaning of each other words,

What’s it all mean,

All I can say is thank you and I'm sorry,

I know I may not be so rich, I may be poor B,

See me for who I am, and all that I could be,

See me for who I will become an all I will Be,

Love me and see it because it’s a reciprocation back towards you,

Who I could be?

Who am I now? That’s the question I pose to who? I don’t know I don’t know how to show you that I can be all you wanted and more,

But for now I need to be alone,

I need to do this for me,

I need to be the definition of all I can be,

"Lovingly"

"Lovingly"

Unspoken I look at you silently, You look at me enticingly, I feel the need to look away, It is your eyes, They are visually mesmerizing me, Tempting, Tantalizing me, Your demeanor is that of a sinning innocence, There is a difference in you that I see, Regardless of your prior situations you need to be with me, Your current situation makes no difference to me, You and me need to see what the deal is between you and me, With a shape that is enticing and so exciting, Yet it is your demeanor and mentality that truly has gotten to me, Frightening me, Exciting me, Captivating my interest instantly and intensely, More that when the screams and yells bring about the appearance of Gyika, This whole situation is more shocking to me than when a nun kisses and tells society, You definitely seem to be an angel that came into my life ironically, True, But that fact non the less is an undeniability, Now weather or not my words and feelings are understood for their true meaning and intensity, I will put it to you simply, If I ever dispense the non sense and I build up the confidence to share with you not stare at you, And if I could honestly present you with the proposition of being my boo, And if my words thoughts and feelings are presented for you to see, Read, Or hear, Please know they are true, And if you have any questions, Look in my eyes as you did on our first encounter, And you will see that I can’t help but think about you, And that is forthright and honest, Todo y Siempre is true.

"Days Go By..."

                  “Days Go By”

Days Go By When I was young I wanted to rap,

Be discovered like Kriss Kross,

Be original like Run DMC,

And eternal like Biggie,

Not Flashy like Vanilla Ice,

But real and raw like Machiavelli back then know as Tupac,

May he and Christopher Wallace rest in piece,

Because growing up I was told that whatever you dream can happen,

I guess when that memo was sent out all of the record executives were in their offices napping,

Or maybe thats why adults are birds to me;

expelling air from their mouths,

Lips always flapping,

Or maybe its because no one told me all the hard work I would need to do to succeed I found that out later on,

but in my young days my favorite subject was slacking off,

I thought life was preplanned,

I all would occur magically,

That I was predestined to turn out successfully,

And at one time I thought that if you dreamt it,

It would come true, that doors would open to some people,

Just for being you,

I figured some were born to be homeless,

Some destined to be rich,

It was predetermined who would get straight As and that some would not even know the warmth of the suns rays,

I thought it would all fall into my lap,

This, This, Or that,

Or that whatever a good person wanted its as easy as that,

But I learned later on in life that simplicity was not that easy,

There were so many opportunities I should have Would have,

And could have done,

But their was work involved and it was easier having fun,

Instead pursuing frivolous envies,

And intentions,

Engaging in an exorbitant amount of mischievous acts,

And all the while having innocent Malice intentions,

Here is my naive Confession,

Days go by,

weather your wrong or right you got to put up a fight kid,

Days go by,

Live your life but one day you have got to accept reality,

Days go by,

Sometimes I think about my life yo tell me what your think,

Days go by,

Carpe Diem,

It is your choice,

weather you live or die,

LIVE or DIE.